Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

Fav 18 8094 1267
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(315): View more from New York

I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.

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(917): View more from New York City

No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.

Fav 2 2028 1081
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

Fav 11 2787 1076
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(210): View more from Texas

She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.

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(941): View more from Florida

I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.

Fav 2 1088 2220
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(802): View more from Vermont

all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.

Fav 2 814 514
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up

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