I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How's work?
Spinning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
