her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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