I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
