Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
