I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
