As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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