Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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