You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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