If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
