i barfeds in our rink
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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