Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
