Only a mothe r could love this liver
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
