You're my little dorito
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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