I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
