he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
