and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
