New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
