She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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