Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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