First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
