Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
