Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
