i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
