i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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