Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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