Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Less talking, more tequila
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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