I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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