I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
