The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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