I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
