I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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