So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
