there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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