i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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