Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He felt like a one man threesome
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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