I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
