her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
