I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
