There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
