I wish my penis had an off switch
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
