capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
