her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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