Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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