ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
