my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
