she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
