the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
