never play flip cup with pint glasses
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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