i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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