just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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