one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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