dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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